


Post-Highschool Self-Doubt

by dead_but_living



Category: Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Assault, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bisexual Male Character, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Ear Piercings, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Leon bottles his emotions, Leon is an aspiring musician, Leon is in denial, M/M, Male Fujisaki Chihiro, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Musicians, Nipple Piercings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Piercings, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Denial, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Tags May Change, Tattoos, They're all stupid, This is my comfort ship, Tongue Piercings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:41:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26573140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dead_but_living/pseuds/dead_but_living
Summary: (Updating tags and everything as I go about writing, so check frequently! And I'd also suggest reading the author notes in case I have important info to clear up!)Leon had always known who he was. He was a musician, a former baseball star, and an entirely straight, monogamous man. He figured out who he was in Highschool, right? But sometimes you're wrong about the things you're sure of.
Relationships: Asahina Aoi/Ogami Sakura, Fujisaki Chihiro/Maizono Sayaka, Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Kuwata Leon, Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Kuwata Leon/Oowada Mondo, Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Oowada Mondo, Kirigiri Kyoko/Celestia Ludenberg, Kuwata Leon/Oowada Mondo, Naegi Makoto/Togami Byakuya
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The "assault" tag is referring to physical assault, like getting beaten up, but I couldn't figure out how to tag it do I did that, sorry! 
> 
> Rating is mature is because there may be eventual smut but I'm really not sure, so we'll see!!
> 
> I also wrote Mondo with how words are spelled, but he obviously shortens most of his words, I just really don't like typing the way to show it.

I laughed at the ridiculous story Mondo was telling, shaking my head. I smiled, looking around the booth. Me, Mondo, Taka, Chihiro, Hiro, and Makoto had decided to hang out all together at a small diner since we haven't all been together since graduating. Mondo was currently telling a story about one of the members in his gang meeting his current girlfriend after almost running her over. 

"Dude, that's totally fake!!" I laughed before taking another sip of my drink. 

"IT'S TRUE, I SWEAR ON MY BIKE!" Mondo exclaimed, making a few people give us all looks as Taka, Chihiro, and Makoto try to quiet the taller man down. 

"He's telling the truth, I've met the man and his girlfriend at one point. She's a lovely lady. But, Mondo, we're in public and there is no need to be so loud." Taka said sternly, glaring at us and Yasuhiro, as we're the loudest of the group. We all laughed quietly, trying to keep our voices down. 

"Hey, Leon, I hear you're getting big in the music industry! I've been seeing more and more articles about you pop up, you seem to be a hit!" Chihiro said cheerily, smiling at me with pride. "I'm really happy for you!" 

I flushed slightly at the programmer's words and smiled back at him sheepishly. "Yeah, I really didn't expect that I'd get this far without everything getting fucked up, but I'm really happy that i didn't go into baseball as a career. It's fun to play recreationally, but I wouldn't be able to handle doing it so much." 

Mondo, being the one sitting next to me, patted my back firmly while everyone else clapped or smiled. "I'm very happy for you Leon! We may not have been close throughout Highschool, but I am glad we have become closer since!" Taka said before continuing to eat his meal. 

"Also, dude, where'd you get the clothes? I have a friend who has a style similar to yours and I kinda wanna get her a vest like yours." Hiro asked through a mouthful of burger. I rolled my eyes, looking down at my clothes. I wore a pair of black skinny jeans, my normal studded belts, my favorite pair of platform shoes, a red tank top, and a white sleeveless denim jacket that I had added a few spikes, patches, and a large safety pin to. 

"You realize a lot of guys who like the punk style thrift jackets and other clothes and then add whatever they want? Leon probably got a normal vest and decorated it." Mondo interrupted just as I opened my mouth. 

"I could've answered that, but yeah, I got the jacket and then customized it. Not punk if it ain't customized." I said, winking jokingly. "Anyway, Chihiro, Makoto, what have you two been up to?" 

"I've been making even more progress with ALTER EGO, and more recently I've been working on helping him understand emotions and people to make him a better AI!" Chihiro said excitedly, clapping his hands enthusiastically. Since he told the class he was a guy, he hasn't worn as many dresses, though he sometimes still does because, well, they're dresses and hard to resist. Today, he wore a green button up with some plain dark brown pants. 

Everybody gave their own version of "Cool!" Or "that's awesome!" To him. 

"I've actually been dating Byakuya! I know he was kinda an asshole when we were in Highschool, but he's actually gotten a lot better! He's such a sweetheart now and I couldn't be happier!" Makoto gushed, showing us a seemingly recent photo of the two in an amusement park. The former prick looked.. soft, almost, and definitely happy. He definitely looks better though.

"As you guys probaly know, me and Taka have been together for a while! Never thought I'd have a chance but he proved me wrong. The love of my life, the Ultimate Moral Compass, and my best friend!" Mondo said, continuing the topic of significant others. Taka rolled his eyes, a small blush creeping on his face. My smile faltered slightly, which I hide by taking another bite of my burger. 

"Have you three been.. y'know.. in the dating scene at all?" Makoto asked awkwardly. Yasuhiro blushed, scratching the back of his head while Chihiro perked up. 

"I've actually been going out with Sayaka! Right now it's just us two going out on dates every once in a while, nothing official yet, but it's a lot of fun! Sometimes we also give eachother makeovers before leaving the house to make sure no fans suspect she has a boyfriend haha!" He said, clutching his hands together sweetly as he thought of the girl. I winced slightly, remembering how fucked up my and Sayaka's relationship was when we dated in Highschool. 

"So, uh, that friend I mentioned? Currently hoping to ask her out at some point, haha. She's real cool, and knows how to keep me from making stupid money decisions. Remember when you broke my 'crystal' ball, Leon?" He said with a chuckle, I laughed as well before continuing to eat to avoid the question. 

".. Leon?" Chihiro asked gently, looking at me with a look of concern. I quickly swallowed my food, anxiously trying to come up with something to say. 

"Well, uh, y'know..." I said, voice clearly shaking slightly. "I haven't really been.. looking? I've been focused on my career, y'know? And besides, I kinda haven't had a relationship since.. you know.." I said dismissively. The others seemed to remember and looked a little uncomfortable, remembering how much me and Sayaka argued during our relationship. 

"Sorry for bringing it up.." Makoto apologized. I waved it off, taking another bite of my burger. 

"I think you two were way to similar. Both very determined, headstrong, caring. But the big difference is that she used to care far more about her career as an idol than her relationships with people, while you were exactly the opposite. So, she ended up neglecting you emotionally and you ended up not being able to understand why. I'm really glad you both have gotten better since then!" Chihiro explained, smiling at me comfortingly. I smiled nervously, scratching the back of my head. 

"Well, 's long as you're happy, good on you!" Mondo said cheerfully. I stared at him for a second too long, a blush starting to form on my face. Truth is, I'm not actually that happy, but I have no idea why. 

"Yeah, I guess. Oh, I hear Sakura and Hina are going on five years now! Honestly, I think those two were kinda made for each other." I changed the subject. Mondo and Hiro seemed successfully distracted, but the other three men looked at me with looks varying from questioning to concerned. I brushed it off, continuing to talk about our other ex-classmates.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leon has a bad night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been trying to make these as long as I can, I hope it's okay! (;ŏ﹏ŏ)
> 
> Also, I'm going to make it so Daiya lived in this au, he had just got in a bad accident at some point because of Mondo.

I sighed, closing the door to my shitty, tiny apartment as I entered. It's nice to see the guys again, but... Recently I just haven't been feeling myself. It could be that I am lonely, but that just doesn't feel right. 

I know I should be happy for my friends, it's just so.. hard. They all seemed so happy talking about their partners or the people they were talking to, I just wish I could feel that happy about something. 

I took off my shoes quietly, shedding my vest and tossing it on the couch. Mondo even was planning to become a carpenter! Everybody was doing amazing and improving their lives, all I really have to flaunt about since I've left Highschool is a tattoo, nipple piercings, and being a musician. 

I walk into my room, flopping on my bed. I open my phone and open a random social media app, scrolling through the posts. Eventually, I get a notification for a random article so I looked at the title to see what it's about. "How internalized homophobia can effact gay people." Instead of getting rid of the notification, I accidentally opened it.

Bored out of my mind, I decided to go ahead and read the article, just in case I had internalized homophobia so that I wouldn't upset my gay friends. As I read, I started to realize that it was also talking about gay people who have internalized homophobia. 

But how? How does someone know they're gay and just.. hate gay people? Whatever, I should finish uploading the new song

The new song is about love, specifically in the platonic sense. I relisten to the song and get on Spotify to upload it when I'm done. After it's finished uploading, I take a screenshot and then upload it to a few of my social media accounts with the caption "Just released a new song! Listen to it on Spotify!" 

Soon enough, people started liking the tweet and listening to the song. I grabbed a shower and when I came back, a few people had even made posts about it. Most of them were saying things like "love the new song!" But two stood out to me. One said "lol guess I got a new gay anthem" and the other said "Leon, something you wanna tell us?" 

I was a little upset, because the song was about two of my friends, but I just shrugged it off, feeling uncomfortable. I shouldn't feel uncomfortable, it's just some people assuming it's romantic, but I just feel really unsettled by it. 

I contemplated messaging the two, but decided against it because I didn't want to give the wrong message. 

It's not like I'm against gay people, I'm just not gay. I've liked girls plenty of times, I can't possibly be gay. 

I put on some boxers and decide to go to sleep, still quite uncomfortable with the comments on the song. 

It's only because they're taking it out of context, it's only because they're taking it out of context, it's only because they're taking it out of context, I swear that's all it is. 

[Time Skip]

My alarm woke me up and I sat up with a sigh. Today was Monday and I had to work a shift at thr store before playing tonight at another bar. Sometimes music doesn't pay the bills, so I have a side job to keep me on my feet. I checked my phone and realized I had a few messages. 

"Chi: Hey, I listened to your song.. it's really good! But.. did you mean for it to sound like that?" One message read. I started sweating slightly, trying to think of what I could say. 

I moved on to the next message, which was from Mondo. 

"Big Ass Hair: Cool song, but you know you could've told us. We care about you, Leon, and nothing can make us stop bro <3" A lump formed in my throat as I read the message. This can't be happening, this can't be happening, this can't be happening. 

I went to Twitter to see if anyone else thought that, and I realized that most of my fanbase thought I was coming out. 

I mean, I did talk a bit too much about how handsome they were for it to seem strictly platonic, but I swear it is. I decided to make a post about it, not sure how to tell Mondo and Chihiro individually that I'm not gay. 

"Uh, hey guys! So I wanted to clear some things up. 1: The song was actually about two amazing friends of mine haha, they're really cool and I really admire them so I wanted to make a song about them- and they're also a couple btw! 2: I'm straight lmao. Sorry!" I posted, trying to calm myself. I tried to think of who I could message in hopes of keeping me from freaking out, and decided to message Chihiro.

"Are you busy? I really need someone to talk to rn I'm not doing so hot." I sent. Within five minutes, the shorter man called me, making me jump. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Well, uh, I just.. I don't know WHY, but knowing so many people think my song is about being gay makes me so.. scared. I don't know why, I've never really cared if people thought I was gay or straight before, but I can't stop thinking about if the people it was about find out it was about them and assume I want to get with them, which they may be more attractive than anyone I know, but I don't want them getting the wrong idea-" I rambled nervously. 

"Hold on, Leon, breathe. Hopefully, after you explain it, people will understand. Who was it about, anyway?" The programmer interrupted. I sighed quietly, before realizing I hadn't gotten dressed or anything yet. As I talk, I start to search for clothes to wear. 

"It about.. you know.. uh.... It's about Taka and Mondo.." I admitted. "They're both so cool and have come so far since Highschool and I really look up to them."

"Leon.. have you ever heard of internalized homophobia?" Chi asked following a sigh. I paused to put my t-shirt on. 

"Well, yeah, but I'm not homophobic. I mean, I've only ever felt uncomfortable around one gay couple and it wasn't because they were gay, it was because I felt like a third wheel." I said, now pacing. 

"Well, are you 100% sure you're not gay?"

"What? Well, I'm not ONE hundred 100% sure but I'm an adult, I can't be discovering my sexuality at twenty-two!" I heard a laugh on the other end of the phone and pause in my pacing. "What's so funny?" 

"Nothing, nothing. It's just, some people don't figure out their sexuality until they're in their eighties. You can't expect to have everything figured out in Highschool. Highschool is about discovering yourself, yeah, but you can still learn new things about yourself as you grow older. Take Byakuya, for example, he used to only know of his future as one path where he'd take over the Togami Corporation, but ended up deciding he didn't want to because he wanted to look for things to make him happy. Sayaka learned how to balance her work and personal life, Mondo is planning on resigning as a biker gang leader and becoming a carpenter- heck, even I learn new things about myself everyday!" He explained. I let myself fall to my bed, feeling unsure of how to respond. 

"I... I guess I didn't think about that. So... Is it really okay to question my sexuality at my age?" I asked, a shy tilt to my voice. 

"Of course, Leon! And if you have any questions you can always ask someone who's been through that! I know I'm asexual, but I still know what it's like to question your sexuality. And you can even ask Mondo, Taka, or Makoto! Leon, we all care about you and if you want to discover what you like, then do it!"

"Thanks a ton, Chihiro. I feel a lot better and... Yeah, I might not be as straight as I thought.." I confirmed, breathing out to let the nervous energy go. 

"Ok, just remember to ask if you have any questions, okay? Do you need anything else?" 

"Nope, I think I'm just gonna get ready to go to work and think about it some more. Thanks again, Chi, you're awesome." I thanked, sitting up. 

"Aw, thank you! Talk to you later!" Chihiro said before hanging up. 

I sighed, going to delete my earlier post. I wrote a new one up:

"Heya, so... I might have learned something new about myself. Not really sure. Uh, anyway, if you saw my earlier post, pretend you didn't, and that's all I wanted to say. Have a good day <3"

I pressed post quickly, and opened up the message Mondo sent me. 

"Hey, sorry for the late reply, I was thinking about stuff. So, the song wasn't originally about liking two guys romantically, it was about two awesome friends but stuff's confusing and I might not fully know myself, so yeah.." 

As soon as I'm finished, I go to the bathroom to clean up before heading to work. Damn this is gonna be a long day.


End file.
